Ultra Meital Reviews: Deeper (Caroline and West #1) by Robin York (Ruthie Knox)

There are so many emotions clouding my mind right now which is always a bad thing. Honestly I'don't know any person who is bad, as bad as I am, with emotions. I had to teach myself how to spot them, separate them one from the other while trying to figure them out. So trying to tell you what I feel right now - feels almost impossible.

I'll start with the end, I mean, the ending, it kinda snack up on me, I thought I had more time, I thought we had more time, I thought there's at least 20 more minutes in this book so on the last page I was feeling this heavy load but no tears were forming (granted I suck at that as well.. see, tears are a form of emotion, figures I'll be bad at it..) then it was the end and I was overwhelmed, maybe even angry, confused, betrayed and pissed at myself for not checking up with my friend who read it (are you reading this?? there's a rant in your near future!) why there is a "part two" called "Harder" maybe because even if Deeper is difficult you know that Harder means exactly that. That it's not a happy ending where you close the book with a smile, it's heart clenching painful and I'm not sure if the snippet of "Harder" made it better or worse - Harder, wayyyy harder to wait for the next one. July is far away, too far away for me to even consider, I actually don't know what July would even look like (that's my personal life here speaking up since I'm on a verge of a huge change).

BUT

I"m so glad I read this one, I loved it beyond words, but I'm still crushed that it ended how and when. I'm so proud of Ruthie, I mean Robin for writing this book, for writing Caroline and West. I wouldn't expect anything less of her. She made Caroline exactly the person who's life would be crushed by the revenge porn issued by her ex, but more importantly she made her STRONG. Yeah, she feels like her life is crumbling down, Yeah she acts like it at times, but she doesn't give up, she builds herself up again, like a phoenix she rises - rises stronger and smarter.

Revenge Porn can happen to right about anyone, one minute our guard is down, one time we trust someone we shouldn't and here it is at our door, and Caroline is just like me and you, she was young and trusting, trusting the wrong guy, offending the wrong guy (by breaking up with him) and she got hit. Exactly because it could happen to "right about anyone" when I read a book about it, that makes me think of the situation that, maybe someone who went through something like it, or knows someone who did - then reading about a strong woman like Caroline and how she handled it can help US to be stronger. Yeah, she made mistakes, yeah, not every decision was right at that point, but she believed in herself, and we see how she got affected by it but also how she healed herself, even if the law isn't on her side - when it's not against the law to publish photos of your partner having sex or just naked on the net if they are adults.. I'm really proud that in my country it's against the law now and I do hope that more countries would forbid it.

There is also another thing that I think should be addressed that makes this book so important to me and to anyone - if we got hurt in the past but even if we didn't and especially if we know of someone that was - the victim isn't to blame. The victim is a victim (it doesn't matter what crime made that person a victim). There is nothing wrong with what Caroline did, she was a grownup having sex with her boyfriend (who took photos of them) - But after the photos are out it's her reputation that is ruined and no one thinks about her, about the fact that she really did nothing wrong besides trusting the wrong person, which we do a lot in life but we are not always stung that way, it's usually a private pain. I know most victims feel responsible for what the went through they tell themselves that if they wouldn't have trusted that guy, if they wouldn't have done this or that then it wouldn't have happened to them - thus, they are to blame. I know that it's the most difficult thing for a victim to accept but it's also one of the most important things that they do. and Caroline, again, makes us see that she doesn't think she is to blame and should be blamed for someone else's actions - hurtful actions. So again, I thank Robin for making a point and saying it out loud a few times across this book - the victim is the one suffering, he or she isn't the one to blame.

I feel like after writing all that the only thing, or should I say, the only one (!) I failed to mention is West. As all Ruthie's heroes, and I should know, I read everything she published, West is not a real hero, he isn't perfect, he isn't noble to the point you want to vomit, no, he is a guy, far from perfect, but that's who he is, he is actually selfish and he is more concerned about what he wants to make in life than to really give Caroline a chance. he is willing to NOT be her friend, and NOT be her boyfriend, and NOT really help her out. He is just there, and she leans on him even if he seems to move a way (letting her crush to the floor). She is the mistake he wouldn't allow himself to make, loving her is what he DOESN'T need and WOULD'T do. It's too bad he fall for her practically first time he laid eyes on her. For him, keeping away is a struggle but also staying with her is something he is having a hard time committing to.

He has a bad temper, he doesn't have any problem striking a guy in the face (especially if it's Caroline's douche ex), he works 10 different jobs including selling pot, he doesn't talk about anything, never opening up to Caroline, never talking about his past, or even his present back home 2000 miles away. How a good girl like Caroline can handle him? I think most of the time she thinks she can't especially with all the mixed signals he sprays around. I'd love to say that he makes the right choices as does she, but most of the time they both don't. Their love story is beautiful and heartbreaking and I can't wait to be heartbroken again on July though maybe I won't have to be heartbroken then, since I'm already broken to pieces now..

Recommended beyond words!

While this book centered around Caroline's story, "Harder", the next (and last) installment, tells us West's story which is heart breaking as well.