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Thursday, May 11, 2017

When life gets in my way of reading..

The last two weeks have been quite OTT.. and I feel I need to express myself so I'm able to put all those feelings aside and FINALLY return to my boring but enjoyable routine (of reading hehe). 

The last two years have been a revelation for me on many aspects. I'm studying something that opens up the whole way I think of my life, my memories, experiences and decisions. Yet some things are well known, not only to myself but to any person who knows me even a little like the fact I'm a really good friend. I'm strong and protective, the kind to lend my shoulder to cry or complain on and always be in your corner no matter what. So what I found myself pondering was who is there in MY corner when I'm in need.. 

The past few months have been emotionally challenging for me and so unlike my usual state of mind I was the one who needed, even though I was mostly looking "fine". Yet the ones I expected to be able to share my feelings with were unable to contain my feelings and while witnessing the total unavailability for MY feelings, I became more and more distant and refrained from sharing my griefs. We were still best friends, I was still there for them as I always have been, and though I felt they cared at certain points, I also felt it was unreliable. I think I was just expected to deal. I'm strong like that, right? Maybe. But I really wished to confide in them and ask for advice. 

I found myself all by my own. 

Time went by. My feelings somewhat hidden. From them yet mostly from myself. I didn't want to truly see that the ones I considered so close to me, start to feel farther away. I struggled against myself, against losing people I love with all my heart yet keep disappointing me time and time again. I would have said something if I thought there was anything really to say, or if I thought they could understand my state of mind. The fact I NEED too, I can't always be NEEDED. But also that we each need in a different ways and being a friend means respecting and acknowledging ones pain without judgement.  

The day of the betrayal came without warning. For me it was a brutal betrayal, one that left no other choice but to finally see what was already there and answer myself the extremely hard and painful question - Is this friendship worth fighting for? the answer was my whispered "no...". I wish this betrayal wouldn't have taken place, and yet I know it was probably the only thing that made me confront my feelings. 

That's how I lost them, they meant the world to me. I would have walked through fire and swam through icy water for them but now I feel empty inside but also strangely relieved. There was WAY TOO MUCH ANGST in my life the last two weeks and even though I enjoy those angsty New Adult novels I rather have a boring life (filled with positive and romantic novels). 

Cheers everyone. I'm sorry for this rather strange post. 

Thank you for anyone who actually took the time and got to this point. Really appreciate it <3
I'll be returning to my reading and reviews now :)

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